Thursday, August 13, 2015

Grumpy old men

I have mellowed out in my old age. In my teens and early twenties I seemed to run on vitriol, always finding a nemesis or someone I deemed competition to my goals/desires. I'm not proud of it but at least I can see it now. Thanks to some therapy sessions in my mid to late twenties, as well as joining a running group (of really amazing women who were a positive influence) I found that I didn't need that type of 'motivation' in my life. I didn't even think that mindset was toxic until it was no longer present in my life.

Since coming back from maternity leave last December I have been confronted with someone that has re-ignited these feelings. I can't get into too much detail but suffice it to say the HE does not like me and is doing what he can to make me feel small, inadequate and unskilled. He is in a position of authority (which was not the case when I left) and it feels like he has made it his mission to watch over me and point out anything I do wrong.

I have had nothing but good reviews since I started this job many years ago, so the fact that this is documented in my review for this year really hurts me. It kills me to have someone question my work ethic and quality since I take such pride in both. I hate how much he seems to enjoy what he is doing, and how directed it is. Why has he singled me out? Doesn't he have something better to do? I have tried to smooth things over but he's an automaton with no human emotion (apart from spite) and I think he would miss having the scapegoat.

What irks me is that I think about him a lot. I see his face and I want to do mean things back to him. And I really, really wish I didn't feel this way because it's ugly. It's energy spent and wasted. It's toxic to the people in my life that have to hear about it because if I don't vent I might explode. I especially resent him for making me cry because I would never have let him get to me like that before I became a mother.

I can't do anything about it so I'm going to try and get over it. Not ignore it, but just accept it. I want to get back to a place where I don't have such anger in my life, much less every day that I walk into the office. I doubt it will be easy but I need to stop wasting my energy on something I can't change. Wish me luck and maturity, I think I'm going to need both.

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